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Saturday, August 29, 2009


Drunk Math

The fare came to $8. The lady had a ten, a five and a one.

For some reason she did not want to part with the ten spot.

She looked through her purse searching for more ones. She found none. She went through her purse again. She got out of the cab and went through her pockets. Nothing. All she had was a ten dollar bill, a five dollar bill and a one dollar bill.

She gave up and handed me the ten. I handed her two dollars change.

She looked at her money. She looked at me. She looked back at her money and said, "Hold on." She looked at me. She looked at her money and counted it through squinted eyes.

"Wait! I've got eight dollars here. Give me back that ten."

Thursday, August 27, 2009


In which I ponder the female mind and have a brilliant idea

Middle of the night I got a call to pick up at a certain address. It was raining. About a half block from the address some drunk chicks flagged me down. They said they had called, they needed to get away from the house because some scary guy was harassing them.

Sounded reasonable so I picked them up.

They got in and started talking about this "creep" who was "stalking" them. They were obviously quite shaken up.

"Let's get out of here! That dude is just scary!"

"Yeah! Let's go!"

A half block later the dispatcher called. He said the party I was supposed to pick up watched me pick up someone else and drive away. This left me in a bit of a predicament because I was the only cab anywhere close to the area and people who call are supposed to have priority.

I quizzed the girls and it became clear that they had called a different company. They (understandably so) refused to get out and wait for their cab. I spun around to see if I could get the other party to share a cab with the girls.

Turns out the guy I'm supposed to pick up is the "creep".

After all the previous drama the girls didn't mind if he shared a cab. In fact, they were begging him to share a cab. The guy adamantly refused. He said something along the lines of, "I don't want anything to do with you dumb bitches."

Anyway... I arranged for the other company to pick up the other guy, and everyone left happy... except me.

These girls were stupid, AND obnoxious, AND loud.

After all the drama about getting away from the scary guy they were actually insulted that he refused to share a cab with them. And that wasn't the half of it. When they weren't talking about him they spent the whole ride bitching about their other friends.

I was tempted to drive off a bridge to put us all out of our misery.

When we got home they had me turn off the lights before we drove through the woods to the house so they could sneak in without their parents noticing.

That's when I had my brilliant idea.... I think I'll call it "blackmail". I didn't use it, although I was sorely tempted. I was happy to be rid of them, but I filed it away for future use. The next time I get kids sneaking home late at night I am going to charge them an extra $10 or else I'm going to lay on the horn before I leave.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Two drunk chicks drop their car off at a friend's house and call for a cab. They were barely 21 if they were 21.

Long story short they thought they were pretty cute. In fact they were just obnoxious. They spent the whole trip annoying me with little cutsy-isms and foul language that would shame a sailor.

They did not know the address to which they were going, so instead of calling their friend to confirm an address they had me drive up and down the street until they saw a car that looked familiar. The fare came to something like $15, it would have been 10 or 12 if they knew where they were going.

You're going to give us a discount, right?

Not tonight, ladies.

But we're cute enough for a discount, don'chya think?

No comment. I just let that one go. One of them handed me a ten.

Come on. It's 15, girls.

You don't think we're cute?

I think smart chicks are the cutest.


What's the capital of Canada?

End of conversation. Got paid. No tip, though.

BTW. The check in the previous story was good.

Saturday, August 08, 2009


The rulez of cabdriving

Rule #1: Never take a check.

Rule #2: Never ever take a check from someone going to the airport.

Rule #3: Never take checks from hippies.

Took a check from a guy with a hard luck story. Something about being in the Bush, being in a hurry to make his flight and his kid being in the hospital. Claimed to be a state employee in the Bush studying bear scat... or something. I clearly broke rules 1 and 2, but I did so with my eyes wide open.

When I got home and took a closer look at the check I noted it had "Earth Day", "Plant Trees for America" logos and something about Yellowstone Park.

Anyone want to take bets on how high the check bounces?

Friday, August 07, 2009


Only in Fairbanks

Got a call to pick up at a low budget apartment complex. As I pulled up I noted a cop putting a man in handcuffs into the back of his patrol car. I had a feeling....

Me: That wouldn't happen to be the guy who called for a cab from 206, would it?

Officer: Why yes it is. You want him?
Officer, noting my skepticism: He's got money.

Me: You got somewhere to go, Lincoln?

Lincoln: I would go get something to eat.

Me: Sure. I'll take him off your hands.

The cop un-cuffed him, he got in the cab and we left.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


It ain't the Jewish Synagogue

Dispatcher: I've got one at the Immaculate Conception Church.

New driver: Is that the Catholic Church?

I'm sorry. That's not much of a story, but I'm still chuckling about it.

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