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Monday, December 28, 2009


Do you care if we smoke?

Two young girls get in the cab in the middle of the night

Passenger: Do you care if we smoke in here?

Me: Are you old enough to smoke?

Passenger: Of course we are old enough to smoke.

They get into the cab and shut the door.

Passenger: So can we smoke in here?

Me: (Gagging) Please do. It will cover up the smell of crack.

Passenger: What!?!?

Me: I said to go ahead and smoke. It will cover up the smell of the crack you've been smoking.

Passenger #1: We haven't been smoking crack.

Passenger #2: You can smell it?

Saturday, December 26, 2009


That one never gets old...

Hey, come here.

What is it, dad?

I have a question for you.

What is it?

Are my hands cold?

Aaaaaaargh. NOT FUNNY.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Tweaking my theory on drunks.

Frequently passengers will ask me if it is difficult dealing with drunks all the time. I have developed a standard response:

"Have you ever been in a bar and seen a complete asshole? The guy who wants to fight, or who is too loud and obnoxious, or who is just generally an asshole?"

The passenger responds with, "Yes, of course."

To which I respond, "You can bet that that guy is drinking and driving. It would never occur to him to take a cab. Generally, taxi passengers are the more responsible drunks. They rarely cause any trouble at all."

While I stand by that general statement, I have found it needs tweaking.

This time of year, that being the company-Christmas-party season, I find it to be less true.

Over the years I have noticed that more bad drunks are taking cabs this time of year and the incidence of bad drunks seems to revolve around company Christmas parties. I hypothesize that the bad drunks are taking cabs when they leave the company Christmas party instead of driving themselves in order to keep appearances with their co-workers and bosses. Every other time during the year when they get drunk they drive themselves home. When the boss is watching they are responsible.

I should clarify that by "bad drunk" I don't mean someone who is merely falling-down-drunk, a puker, passed out, or even too drunk to remember his address. By "bad drunk" I mean the drunk people who want to fight, are unbearable assholes (or bitches), don't want to pay, or who are otherwise very obnoxious.

Friday, December 04, 2009


Taxi shorts, nothing too funny.... But it was funny at the time

Sitting outside a bar reading a book, a person walks up to the cab:

"You busy?"

"No. Need a ride?"

Chick gets in.

"Where to?"

"(such and such an address)"

My radar is going off.

"Do you have money?"

"Of course I have money. You think just because I'm black I don't have money? I ought to get out right now."

"So you have money?"

"I said I do."

"Enough to get there? It'll be ten bucks?"

(Long winded tirade about how I am profiling her because she is black, she is so insulted, I ought to be ashamed of myself, and on and on.)

When she started on her tirade I knew for a fact that she didn't have any money, but I thought I'd just go along instead of demanding to see her cash. I figured I might get a good blog story out of it.

We got to her house, and of course she didn't have any money. But she would go see if there was any money in the house.

I accompanied her into the house, because she'd probably just disappear out the back if I didn't. She woke up her old man. He was sympathetic to me, had no money, was mad at her, and out of the goodness of his heart tried to pay me in dope. I refused. She started yelling at him for ripping off the poor cab driver.

Just when it was starting to get good, another cab pulled up to the house. It was a friend of theirs. He was probably there to score dope. He paid me.

As I left she was still calling me a racist. profiling SOB.


(You might have to be a Fairbanks cab driver to appreciate this one)

Dispatcher: 88, are you still in the city?

88: I'm deep city. So deep you might even call it "south".


Passenger: Can I bring my dog? It's a certified aid dog you have to let me bring it the state of California paid for this dog for my medical disability yes, you have to let him in the cab come on Poochie, into the car good dog he's a good dog he's a certified aid dog I'm going to WalMart they let me bring the dog in there I have all his papers I've been going to WalMart for months and they always let me bring the dog into the store.... Of course they never ask for his papers he's a certified aid dog he helps me a lot. Don't you Poochie? Yes, you help mother a lot (kiss kiss) the state of California paid for him I have notes from my doctors I got him at the pound every other dog in the pound was a pit bull mix California won't pay for pit bulls but this dog they would pay for he's really helped me a lot you see, I'm bi-polar, when ever I feel manic-y I pet the dog and it really calms me down it helps a lot it's really miraculous they always let me bring him into WalMart.

Me: Lady! Shut up and pet the dog.


Picked up an out-of-towner at a hotel

Guy: Take me to a gay bar.

Me: Uhhhhhhh, what's your second choice?

Guy: A gay bar. Where's the nearest gay bar?

Me: Anchorage.

Guy: You're kidding me.

Me: No.

Guy: Well, where's the nearest bar without rednecks?

Me: Seattle.

Guy: .................How much to Anchorage?

Picked up some hunters going to the airport. I was driving a mini van.

When I got to the hotel there were two of them standing outside with their gear. I got their gear loaded and prepared to leave.

"Wait," they said, "there's two more coming."

I'm thinking, "I hope they don't have too many more bags, or we'll need a second cab."

The other two guys came out with several more bags.

I looked at the bags. I looked at the cab. With some rearranging I could get all the bags in the cab and have room for all four passengers. As I was rearranging they came out with more bags.

"We might need a second cab," I said.

"No, no. I can hold this bag, he can hold that bag in his lap and we'll have plenty of room."

"I don't know."

"We'll be fine."

As I was re-rearranging, one of the guys came back with an army duffel bag.

"We need two cabs."

"No, I can hold this bag, we can cram this one here, we can cram that one there, and we'll be fine."

"There ain't gonna be room to fart."

"We'll be fine."

When I was done you could not have packed another pair of socks into that cab. It was full.

Then they brought out the caribou antlers.

"No, no, no. We need a second cab."

"Oh no. We can put them here, he and I can sit like this... sure it'll be cramped, but we can make it.....

Then another guy brought out the second set of caribou antlers.

"...I forgot about those....
Better call for a second cab."


Then there's the story that I just got subpeoned for. More on that later.

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