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Friday, December 04, 2009

 

Taxi shorts, nothing too funny.... But it was funny at the time

Sitting outside a bar reading a book, a person walks up to the cab:

"You busy?"

"No. Need a ride?"

Chick gets in.

"Where to?"

"(such and such an address)"

My radar is going off.

"Do you have money?"

"Of course I have money. You think just because I'm black I don't have money? I ought to get out right now."

"So you have money?"

"I said I do."

"Enough to get there? It'll be ten bucks?"

(Long winded tirade about how I am profiling her because she is black, she is so insulted, I ought to be ashamed of myself, and on and on.)

When she started on her tirade I knew for a fact that she didn't have any money, but I thought I'd just go along instead of demanding to see her cash. I figured I might get a good blog story out of it.

We got to her house, and of course she didn't have any money. But she would go see if there was any money in the house.

I accompanied her into the house, because she'd probably just disappear out the back if I didn't. She woke up her old man. He was sympathetic to me, had no money, was mad at her, and out of the goodness of his heart tried to pay me in dope. I refused. She started yelling at him for ripping off the poor cab driver.

Just when it was starting to get good, another cab pulled up to the house. It was a friend of theirs. He was probably there to score dope. He paid me.

As I left she was still calling me a racist. profiling SOB.

----------------------------------------------

(You might have to be a Fairbanks cab driver to appreciate this one)

Dispatcher: 88, are you still in the city?

88: I'm deep city. So deep you might even call it "south".

--------------------------------------------------

Passenger: Can I bring my dog? It's a certified aid dog you have to let me bring it the state of California paid for this dog for my medical disability yes, you have to let him in the cab come on Poochie, into the car good dog he's a good dog he's a certified aid dog I'm going to WalMart they let me bring the dog in there I have all his papers I've been going to WalMart for months and they always let me bring the dog into the store.... Of course they never ask for his papers he's a certified aid dog he helps me a lot. Don't you Poochie? Yes, you help mother a lot (kiss kiss) the state of California paid for him I have notes from my doctors I got him at the pound every other dog in the pound was a pit bull mix California won't pay for pit bulls but this dog they would pay for he's really helped me a lot you see, I'm bi-polar, when ever I feel manic-y I pet the dog and it really calms me down it helps a lot it's really miraculous they always let me bring him into WalMart.

Me: Lady! Shut up and pet the dog.

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Picked up an out-of-towner at a hotel

Guy: Take me to a gay bar.

Me: Uhhhhhhh, what's your second choice?

Guy: A gay bar. Where's the nearest gay bar?

Me: Anchorage.

Guy: You're kidding me.

Me: No.

Guy: Well, where's the nearest bar without rednecks?

Me: Seattle.

Guy: .................How much to Anchorage?
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Picked up some hunters going to the airport. I was driving a mini van.

When I got to the hotel there were two of them standing outside with their gear. I got their gear loaded and prepared to leave.

"Wait," they said, "there's two more coming."

I'm thinking, "I hope they don't have too many more bags, or we'll need a second cab."

The other two guys came out with several more bags.

I looked at the bags. I looked at the cab. With some rearranging I could get all the bags in the cab and have room for all four passengers. As I was rearranging they came out with more bags.

"We might need a second cab," I said.

"No, no. I can hold this bag, he can hold that bag in his lap and we'll have plenty of room."

"I don't know."

"We'll be fine."

As I was re-rearranging, one of the guys came back with an army duffel bag.

"We need two cabs."

"No, I can hold this bag, we can cram this one here, we can cram that one there, and we'll be fine."

"There ain't gonna be room to fart."

"We'll be fine."

When I was done you could not have packed another pair of socks into that cab. It was full.

Then they brought out the caribou antlers.

"No, no, no. We need a second cab."

"Oh no. We can put them here, he and I can sit like this... sure it'll be cramped, but we can make it.....

Then another guy brought out the second set of caribou antlers.

"...I forgot about those....
.
.
.
Better call for a second cab."

------------------------------------

Then there's the story that I just got subpeoned for. More on that later.

Comments:
Ha! Anchorage is a long drive for gay rednecks!

Missed you at the con this year, G.
 
Tooo funny, Brian. Thanks for the belly laughs this morning.

Mary W.
 
Good stuff. Looking forward to the subpoena story.

When are you getting on Twitter? Works well on a phone while you're waiting between rides.

http://twitter.com/icheyne/lists/geekdo
 
Holmes - I look forward to seeing you next year.

Mary - I do what I can.

Ian - Twitter? I'd have to upgrade from payphones.
 
You can use twitter via SMS, so regular phones can cut it. Alternatively, buy a cheap 3G handset - you don't need an iphone.

http://help.twitter.com/forums/59008/entries/63660
 
LOL. Great stories. Sometimes I think about being a cabbie in Fbx but then I realize I'd prolly have to be all covered w/ tatts and carry a gun cuz otherwise I just look like a little girl and all the crazies would be all over that(ick). It's enough to live vicariously thru your blog.
 
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