&games

The local media (at least the media to which I listen) are saturated with advertisements about the Lipizzaner Stallions. The advertisement contains the following line:

Watch as world famous Lipizzaner Stallions astound you with their amazing leaps in the air above the ground!

Try this on for size:

Watch as world famous Lipizzaner Stallions astound you with their amazing leaps in the air above the ground!

Everyone was eager to believe the cop was a racist. Now that the facts are known, why will no one call the racist professor with a chip on his shoulder the racist that he certainly appears to be?

I was parked outside the Mecca Bar waiting for a drunk to stumble out. Instead, this tourist approached me and asked in broken English:

Ahhhh, red light district?

Not really.

Are you ahhhhhh, local?

Yes.

No red light district?

I came up blank. Since the one shady massage parlor burned down and the cops cracked down on the walking girls Fairbanks has not been whoremonger friendly.

I tried to explain that to the tourist. Don't know how successful I was.

The best I could do was explain that a couple iffy-looking massage places had sprung up in the last couple weeks but I hadn't heard any scuttlebutt about them.

I consider all the times over the years that tourists have asked directions to the strip clubs, hookers and massage parlors...... and I feel useless... as a cabdriver I should know how to squeeze money from a horny drunk... but I was forced to face the fact that I just didn't know where he could get laid. It was a humbling experience.

Must say (from a purely cabdriving point of view, dear) that I miss Lee's Massage Parlor. It was out of town, nearly a $30 fare to get there from downtown. In the last few years Lee always called my cab company when she had a customer who needed to get back into town. Made quite a bit of money shuttling her customers around over the years.

I wish her the best of luck.

Picked up this chick at an apartment complex many moons ago. I knew her and I knew that she always expected the people at her destination to pay for her cab ride... even if she had her own money.

She was packing bags of booze out of this apartment. She had me open the trunk so she could put the booze in, which I dutifully did. I learned many years ago that it is always best to put bags or anything that might be needed to be held as collateral in the trunk... and booze is good collateral.

Anyway, we get to where we were going and she didn't have any money. She needed to go into the house and ask for money. Fine with me. I'm running the meter. After all, I have collateral secured in the trunk. She and this other guy came out of the house and apologized for not having any money to pay for the cab ride.

"That's all right. Don't worry about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Pay me when you can."

"Thank you thank you thank you. Wait! Where are you going!? I have stuff in the trunk."

"What?"

"My bags are still in your trunk!"

"Oh those. I'll hold on to them until you get some money."

"You can't do that!"

"Watch me."

"That's a couple hundred dollars worth of booze!"

"Just call me when you get the $10 for the cab fare. Better make it $20 because I can't keep it in the cab. I'll need to drop it off at the shop, and I'll need to charge you for the trip to deliver it."

"I'm going to call the police. You can't do that."

"And tell them what? You stole a couple hundred dollars worth of booze from some guy and I won't give it to you?" (That was a guess on my part. I suspect she was taking some booze that didn't belong to her.)

Needless to say they came up with $10 for the cab ride.

Needless to say I had the meter running and the fare was up to $15 by the time they scraped the money together.

Needless to say I got the extra $5 with no argument whatsoever.

I think numerous Fairbanks cabdrivers share a similar story.

Drunk Passenger: Take me to Denny's.

No problem. I take them to Denny's.

Drunk Passenger: Where the hell are we?

Me: We're at Denny's.

DP: This isn't Denny's. This is a restaurant.
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Me: You want to go to Denny the Cabdriver's house?

DP: Where do you think I meant, dumbass?

Two gay guys in the taxi:

Look at him! Is he with a girl?

Looks like it. Is he going home with a chick?

It looks like it.

Me: That pervert.

(Prolonged unnatural silence)

Me: I'm kidding.

(Sound of crickets chirping)

I guess it wasn't that funny.