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Monday, October 27, 2008


Real conversations

Typical Friday night conversations

Two dudes standing outside my cab: I ain't got any money. You got any money? I ain't got any money. You got any money? I ain't got any money. Shh. Shh. Just get in.

Dude: Take us to (such and such hotel).

Me: You got any money?

Dude: Of course we got money.

Other dude: We wouldn't get in a cab without money.

Me: Well. You'd better show it to me.

Dude: Are you kidding? We got money.

Me: No. Let me see it.

Dude: Let's just go.

Me: You in a hurry?

Dude: Yeah. We're in a hurry.

Me: Better hurry and show me your money so we can leave.

Dude: You are a money grubbing piece of shit, man.

Me: Thank you.

Dude: Just go.................... OK. OK. I'll show you my money. Just go.

Other dude: Fuck, you're a greedy bastard.

Dude: (Fishing out his wallet) There. Money. See it? Now can we go?

Me: I saw two dollars in there.

Dude: Those were twenties.

Me: What, like... Rhodesian twenties?

Dude: I showed you my money, now just go.

Me: Why don't you guys just catch the next cab?

Dude: (Getting out) What's your number? I'm reporting you.

Other dude: Fuck, you are a money grubber.

Me: Great. Have a good night, guys.

An hour later they were still standing there.

Picked up a guy who walked out of a bar and got into my cab as I was dropping off some passengers. The ride was uneventful and quiet for the first several minutes.

Dude: I can't believe I got kicked out.

Me: Oh. What happened?

Dude: Nothing.

Me: (Skeptically) You were just sitting there minding your own and got kicked out?

Dude: Yeah. Can you believe it? My friends, the bartender, the bouncers, the people sitting around me just got into my face for nothing. No reason whatsoever.

Period of silence

Dude: I can't believe they just ganged up on me like that. Some friends they are.

Period of silence

Dude: I should have just hit that faggot.

Me: (Laughing) So there was an incident before you got kicked out?

Dude: No. I didn't lay a hand on that faggot. I should have fucking punched his fucking face.

Me: (Laughing.) Sounds like the whole world is out to get you.

Dude: What are you talking about?

Me: (Laughing.) You started to tell me you had absolutely no idea why you got kicked out. You know exactly why you got kicked out.

Period of silence while the dude stewed in the back seat

Dude: I should have hit that faggot..... Are you native?

Me: What's that got to do with anything?

Dude: I'm just asking.

Period of silence

Dude: Well, are you?

Me: What do you care?

By this time, it's pretty clear from his tone and manner that he is thinking about starting a fight with me.

Dude: You're a dense son of a bitch. Let me put this so you can understand. If I were to throw eggs at a Indian as we drove by, would you care?

Me: (Laughing) I'm a dense son of a bitch? You just got kicked out of a bar and have no idea why. Now you are getting kicked out of a taxi and will probably tell your mommy you have no idea why.

Dude: You're kicking me out?

Me: Yeah. Get out.

Dude: Why are you kicking me out?

Me: Just tell your momma it's a big, unjust world and everyone is out to get you just because you're an asshole.

Just come off the 'geek onto your taxi yarns and wondering where the thumbs up button is...oh, well I guess I will just have to leave a comment...keep 'em coming!!
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