.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


Recent cab conversations

Nothing uproarious here. Just stuff that amused me.

Drunk: Blah blah blah Bush blah blah worst economy, blah blah blah Bush. I'm not an economist but I can tell you without a doubt that we're headed for another depression. This will be the 1950s all over again.

You got money tonight?
Of course I have money. You have me mistaken for someone else. I've never taken your cab before.
You live at 123 45 St.?
It's 122 45 St. And my boyfriend was supposed to pay that night.
So.... we agree that I've given you a ride before?
......It wasn't me that didn't pay you. It was my boyfriend.
So.... you got money tonight?
F*** you! I'll call someone else.

Take me home?
Where do you live?
I DON'T NEEEEEEEED YOUR SHIT! Just take me home.
Whereabouts do you live?
F*** YOU. I'm walking.

Drunk referring to the polar bear that was shot many hundreds of miles from its natural habitat: Too bad they killed it, that bear could have told us lots about global warming.

Poor guy. I dropped a crack whore off at his place, and she refused to pay the cab fare. She started yelling and causing a scene in the middle of the night in the hallway of his apartment building. Shhhh. Keep it down.
Me: Buddy, if I don't get paid, I'm calling the cops.
Him: You don't need to do that.
Me: Yes, I do.
Crack whore: (Loudly) BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him: SHHHHHHH. People are sleeping.
Crack whore: BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him: (To me) Why you doing this to me?
Me: Why am I doing what to you? I don't have a problem with you.
Him: You need to be quiet.
Me: She's making all the noise.
Crack whore: BLAH BLAH BLAH
Him: Shhhhhh. This is too much drama.
Me: Look buddy, if you don't want drama in the hallway of your apartment building, you need to get a better class of whore.
Him: (Handing me some money) You are probably right. (Believe it or not, he even chuckled)

We didn't get to see the Northern Lights while we were here.
Really? They've been out the last few nights. Bright. Dancing all over the place.
That's what people were telling us. What part of the sky were they in?
Directly overhead.
Ohhhhh. Overhead? It was too cold to go outside. We were looking out of our hotel room window.

I hear Charlton Heston died.
Sure enough.
Who was he?

I looooove doing this one to people.
You are going the wrong way!
I'm sorry. Where did you need to go, again?
(Such and such address)
What way do you want me to go?
The short way. Don't take us the long way.
This is the short way.
I've never seen this street before.
Look.... You're going to Brenda's house, right?
.....Stunned silence Yeah. We're going to her house.
When we get there we can ask her how much it costs to get from the Mecca Bar to her house. It should be about $5.70.
(The next question is invariably) Sooooo, how long you been drivin'?

Two tangentially related stories that need to be read together.

Bartender at the Arctic Bar called for a cab on a night the bar was friggin' packed.
Did you call for a cab for someone?
Yeah. Where did he go? He was right here..... I don't see him.
Who was it?
White guy with curly hair.... I've never seen him before.
I'll look around.
Within ten seconds, amongst a packed throng of bar goers, I was able to identify the single "white guy" in the crowd. Yes, he was the person who needed a cab.

Very drunk, staggering man standing outside the Arctic Bar: Can I catch a ride?
Hop in.
Bastards won't serve natives at that bar.
.....Which... Bar?
This one.
The Arctic Bar?
(Fuming) I walked in and they turned me away without serving me. Bastards turned me away because I'm native... blah blah blah... lawyer... bigots... suing... blah... blah... natives should boycott...
Ummmm. The Arctic Bar refused to serve you because you are native?
Hell yes.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Whew. Hahahahahahahahaha. Ahhhhhhhhh. (Wipe tears from eyes) Perhaps they told you that you were too intoxicated to be in the bar?
NO! They said they don't serve natives! Blah blah suing... blah blah punitive damages.
Good luck with that lawsuit, buddy..... Hahahahahahahahaha...

Excellent stuff. Love your cab stories, keep up the good work!
Ditto! Keep 'em coming!

And we know you'll be able to, because the world has an infinite supply of stupid.
Loving the cab stories. Really, really loving them.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?