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Monday, March 31, 2008


My readers are not alone

Picked up a drunk family at Trapper's Tavern (the old Klondike Lounge, for you locals). The family consisted of Grandpa, Grandma, and 4 intoxicated 30-year-old grandchildren.

"Take us to Denny's."

And in a flash we were on our way. For those doing the math in your heads, no, we did not have enough seatbelts in a Crown Vic for all passengers.

Denny's Restaurant is quite close to the Klondike (aka Trapper's Tavern), and we were there in a matter of minutes.

............"Why are we stopped here?"

"..........Crap. I'm sorry. I thought you said 'Denny's'..... Where did you want to go?"

"We want to go to Denny's, Dumb Ass."

".......................We are at Denny's."

"Take us through the drive through."

".......................There is no drive though at Denny's."

"F*** you! We just went through the drive through this afternoon!"

...................... (Trying to be helpful) "Perhaps you went through the drive through at 'Wendy's'?" (Which is two doors down from Denny's.)

"No. I said take us to Denny's, a$$hole! We want the f***ing Denny's drive through."

About this time everyone in the cab except Grandpa started following grandchild number one's lead and started talking rudely to me.

"How long have you been driving, Dumb Ass?" "Don't f***ing know where Denny's is, Dumb Ass?" "Since you don't know s#!t, this will be a free ride, right?" "F*** this bulls#!t, Grandpa. Let's call another cab."

(Grandpa was obviously paying.) Grandpa seemed sensible and said, "Why don't we just go eat inside?"

"F***. THAT. S#!T. GRANDPA. THIS A$$HOLE CAN TAKE US THROUGH THE DRIVE THROUGH!..... I'm too drunk to go inside."

Someone else said, "Me, too."

"Me, three." Chuckle, chuckle.

"I'd like to sit down inside," said Grandpa.

"Let's go through the drive through, Grandpa."

Intense family conversation ensued with the consensus being we should go through the drive through.

".....................Look. Denny's. Does. Not. Have. A Drive through. Wendy's is closed. The McDonalds drive through is right across the street. If you want to go through a drive through, McDonalds is the only drive through open this time of night. Would you like to go to McDonalds?"

In unison, "F*** THAT S#!T WE WANT DENNY'S!" "You gotta be kidding me!" "Grandpa, this guy is trying to rip us off."

Up to this point Grandpa seemed sensible and was the only one not calling me "Dumb Ass" so I was holding Grandpa in high regard.

Then Grandpa, who was sitting in the front seat, scowled at me and said, "Well, you don't like natives, huh? We'll give our money to a native cab driver."

I was stunned. "Look.... Denny's doesn't have a drive through. I have never seen a Denny's with a drive through. If you want, I will take you to McDonalds, which is the only drive through open this time of night."

Grandpa said, "F*** you. We'll get out here. Let's go inside." Grandpa got out and flicked me a $10 bill with contempt as a$$holes will sometimes do.

With Grandpa on their side it was over for me. I was called every curse word in the book plus "bigot" and a few other choice words as the others exited the cab.

As luck would have it, the lady who was sitting directly behind me could not find the door handle, and could not exit the cab. She fumbled in the dark for the handle. "You f***ing bastard, are you locking me in?"


"Let me out, Dumb Ass."

"The handle is right here," I said reaching around with my left hand to find the door handle. As I fumbled around for the handle behind my back she said, "See, it's not there, Dumb Ass. You won't let me get out."

(Thinking to myself: You gotta be f***ing kidding me.)

When I finally found the door handle behind my back and opened the door, she had more choice words for me.

I sat in stunned amazement at what had just happened, thinking, "No one will ever believe this in my blog."

I then called the dispatcher to clear my trip. Being me, I couldn't just clear the trip, I had to make a comment.

However, the dispatcher is a new chick who is really a quick wit.

With so much material to draw from I said the last thing that stuck in my head. "I'm clear in the Central Zone...... This chick couldn't figure out how to open the door, so she started calling me 'Dumb Ass'."

"That's great. Go pick up Mike at Shenanigan's.... Dumb Ass."

Got a good laugh. Don't think I tipped her enough that night.

Excellent story! Just a pity you had to experience it...
Man, I think you meet more crazy people in an average night than I do in a year.
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