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Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Primer for Taxi Passengers

1. Yes. I can hold $90 worth of beer as collateral if you can't pay your $6 cab fare.

Don't like it?

Want to call the police?

Here. Use my phone.

2. Yes. This is a police car, with a police engine. No, I won't show you how fast it will go, but...

a. this Crown Vic probably isn't any faster than your car.

Unless you own a Ford.

b. I don't know how fast this Caprice will go.

I've only had it up to 120 mph.

3. The reason I asked to see your money is not because you are: Indian, Eskimo, black, Mexican, white, a G.I. or cute. It's because...

a. you ripped me off before.

b. you asked me to change the radio station. I know you don't believe me, but people who want to change the station never, never, ever, ever, n-e-v-e-r have money.

Oh look. And you don't have any money either. Imagine my surprise.

4. I don't care if your boyfriend pulled a knife on you. I'm not letting you charge a ride to the bar to get away from him.

5. Just because the price isn't posted doesn't mean the service is free. You would be wise to enquire about the price before utilizing the service.

There is a $50 surcharge for puking in the cab.

6. Yes, I do know were you can get drugs even though I said I didn't. Yes, I am playing stupid. Just give me an address and I will get you where you want to go.

This is a small town. "Take me to the he crack house on Dunbar," or "Let's go to Perry's place," is good enough.

7. Even though it's not the route you usually take, it is cheaper to go this way. I will gladly get you there by your route, just don't wait until we are 3/4 of the way there before you start complaining.

8. If you stink we are rolling down the windows, even if...

a. it is -40.

b. that obnoxious smell is $200 perfume.

c. you can't smell it.

9. If you tell me "Golden North Motel" and you meant "Golden Nugget Motel" you will either walk or pay me to get you to the right place.

10. No. I don't take checks.

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